in love

I never thought I would fall in love. I really didn't. I was skeptical that someone would want to know me, all of me, and would be able to love me at the same time. I am not sure where that fear came from, but it was definitely there.

It happened. I fell in love. I can't describe it. It feels like everything. It feels like nothing. It feels like "normal" in my life just shifted. Now I have someone to call home. Now I have someone I tell everything to. Sometimes I get so happy and excited to spend the rest of my life with this boy that I can't contain it. And there's nothing for me to let it out so I just let myself burst at the seams. Sometimes I am too emotional and moody, and when I am, he listens. And when it's hard for me to get something out because I don't want to offend him, he is patient with me. He makes me want to be a better person. He makes me want to live the best life possible. He makes me want to have a family. He makes me trust that God's plans really are the best. There is no doubt in my mind about that, now. Because it feels like Joe fills parts of my heart I didn't know needed to be filled. Everything I have ever wanted in someone - he has. And more. He is laid back, creative, easy going, confident, non judgmental, loving, genuine, caring. He is good with money, he works hard at what he does, he cares about other people. He is faithful to the Catholic church, but most of all to God and his relationship with God. He doesn't care about my skin, he thinks it's beautiful, and he wants to make me feel comfortable. He can tell me exactly how he feels, and he opens my heart to be able to do the exact same thing. I love him. I am in love with him.

I just never thought my deep down wish of finding someone and falling in love would come true. I can't express how absolutely blown away that I finally found the love of my life.

Blessings in disguise

I just started a job with an NGO that is working to 1. raise awareness of domestic minor sex trafficking in the US and 2. build shelters/ after care facilities for victims. I think I am supposed to use different language to describe all of this, but right now I am explaining it to the best of my understanding.

I started two weeks ago tomorrow. Today was the first day of a conference about this issue so I spent all day listening to law enforcement and a few others on their experience with victims and also with the issue in general.

First of all...it was utterly depressing to hear about what happens in the world. I think the saddest part for me is that there are people with so much potential (victims and perpetrators alike) who can't see the value in their life and just kind of throw things away. I don't know if I'm the best judge of that...I'm not God so I don't know His plan for everyone, but I'm sure where they are isn't the best place for them to be. this is only a tiny little speck on the tip of the tip of the iceburg that I'm talking about.

Second of all...I realized I need to change my view of these victims. most are 13, 14 and 15 years old when they are picked up by pimps (I guess I knew they existed but never put much thought into it. but...they exist) and force young girls into prostitution. I watched a video about a young girl who came from a good home but kept going back to the streets...back to the drugs and prostitution and the life her pimp ruled. And my first inclination was to say "well, it's her responsibility to choose what she wants to do" and I still struggle with that mentality. Because there are some people that will keep going back to that, and it's frustrating. I was annoyed at myself, though, that I could not shake the mentality and felt like a bad person for thinking that way. I asked God for some kind of guidance during the day. A magic change of mind. But instead, I had a small epiphany as we were watching a video on the topic.

I am not the only one with the mentality that the victims are choosing to be victims. I think many people would believe that. It's easy to believe, I guess. And as some people are trying to support themselves by working hard, others are throwing their lives away by using drugs and spending our tax dollars as they have to be taken to jail. So...I haven't heard much about it, but I sense the undertone that many people feel that way. And since I can identify with that, I can also help people change their mentalities. I have a long way to go figuring out my place in this organization and just in general, but what I'm going through is a gift that God has a plan for.

And that let's me breathe a sigh of relief. It really isn't about me at all.

Ugly

There haven't been enough humbling moments in my life when I realize...I have ugly.

I grew up most of my life thinking that if I was pretty and nice on the outside, I was pretty and nice on the inside. If everyone called me sweet and nice, that meant that I was perfectly sweet and nice.

It took me a long time to realize that there are little things I do, judgments I make and negative things I say. Assumptions and annoyances and frustrations I let get to me. Hatred in my heart that has the ability to penetrate even the purest parts of my heart.

I have been really negative lately. In my thinking and speaking. Particularly the past few days. I could blame it on something...I can blame it on people or situations and circumstances. I can victimize myself in any situation.

The reality is that it is just my ugly, and I am choosing for it to come out. I am letting myself think this way. EW.

I read My Utmost for His Highest several times a week and Oswald Chambers, the author, will occasionally say something like "if you are not on your hands and knees asking for forgiveness, something is wrong." That phrase can frustrate me because I don't want to be on my hands and knees feeling like a bad person, so most of the time I don't let myself.

I don't have much of anything else to say except...my ugly has reared it's ugly head and I am thankful for Jesus. I don't understand everything and definitely don't know God's plan, but my heart feels peace knowing that the God who has an amazing plan for my life, is the same God who knows me, all the good bad and ugly, and loves me for me.

New Beginnings

The time has come. I can finally say that I am employed!

It was almost one year ago exactly I went on my first interview. I was interviewing to be a Catholic missionary on a college campus. I remember feeling excited, but deep down out of place. The interview weekend brought me to a new level with my faith. God has taught me so much in my life, and I feel like I have had a lot of "moments" where something will click, or I realize a prayer has been answered and am brought to a greater understanding of God. So, out of a negative outcome was an irreplaceable experience with God.

Here is my journal from when I didn't get FOCUS:

2/28/2010
"I did not get FOCUS. Steve called earlier and told me. I initially cried but was on my way to bible study so I had to hold it in. Maybe that was a reminder to focus on God. I don't know why I cried. I guess I am sad that I won't get to see those people again."

well, that doesn't explain much. I wrote about it a lot...I knew deep down that it was not for me so most of my entries are about me trying to accept that. I remember thinking about that song by Garth Brooks "Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers." and on my way to bible study right after I found out I was not "hired", that song came on. Needless to say I was holding back a river of tears.

Since my first interview with FOCUS...I went on to interview at:

-a publishing company for an editing position
-a local magazine to be a marketing intern
-a hospital administrative assistant
-an advertising agency intern
-an intern at my church
-administrative assistant at a wind energy company
-southwest airlines something or other
-sales "mentee" at a food distribution company

I am happy to say that however disappointing things got...and however lost I felt, God always always always, without a doubt, brought me through somehow. Either by presenting another opportunity to me. Or leading me to the perfect book, or person, or bible verse. There were several times I just sat in my car and cried after my interviews because I knew it wasn't meant to be, and it was frustrating to accept that.

AND NOW FOR MY JOB!

First a story: I just started doing youth ministry at my church. I was debating whether or not it was for me and went through hours of going back and forth in my mind and heart. Then I said...screw it. If God is doing all that He can for me, the least I can do is serve Him somehow. I am really enjoying that part of my life. Which leads me to...

The youth minister asked me the other day if I was still looking for a job. I of course said yes and he said there was a guy starting an organization to create awareness of child sex trafficking in the US. He eventually wants to build shelters and implement an effective support program for victims. I called him...he called me back...we met in person...and just like that we mutually agreed that I was a good fit.

I need to get to bed. More on this later.

It's been a while

And oh so much has happened. Not to me, as nothing has really happened to me. But I can't even remember what has happened in the new year. And I feel I am always busy and things are just crazy. I wanted to commit to things and have found myself committing to too much.

Recently I have been having many thoughts and conversations around the idea that...we are never satisfied!! It seems like everyone is always looking forward to something else. or falling back on the past. obsessing over how things should have been different. waiting waiting waiting for their big break. nothing they do is good enough and they are not satisfied with ... anything.

Instead of trying to sugar coat by saying that the status quo is ok, I am asking questions:

What are we to be satisfied with?
What do we do when we don't feel like we're satisfied with our work, our lives, ourselves?

I am sad to report I do not have answers. Nor any worthy reflections on the topic, though I wish that were the case.

Maybe you can answer these and comment! Simple questions aren't they?

Everything is Art

Today I had an epiphany. I LOVE EPIPHANIES. I really do, though. The moment when something clicks, or a new idea surfaces and it feels good to acknowledge something new. Or recycled. That can be new too.

Per this post title, my epiphany was that: Everything is Art. Even we are art. Maybe this is a little 'dreamer' of me to say. But I was driving along a street on my way to church. A street I've driven on at least 1,000 times. Maybe a million. I can't calculate. A lot, though. And I looked at the middle school on my left. and the wooden fence on my right. The cars driving next to me. The stop light above me. The people passing by. Nevermind, there is never anyone walking in San Antonio. The people driving by. And I realized that everything really is art. Everything is a creation. Someone came up with the idea for the wooden fence. It's an old idea, I'm pretty sure. But maybe for that particular wooden fence, there was something special about it. Someone had the idea to invent stop "lights" instead of just signs. And it was brilliant when they came up with it. And people work everyday to create new and improved boxes of metal that we transport ourselves in. And we ourselves are uniquely beautiful and interesting works of art, with intricacies inside and out that even we can't describe. This epiphany makes me indescribably happy. I guess because I myself would like to become some sort of artist some day. But instead of putting "artist" in a box, I have come to the conclusion that I can be an artist in more ways than one. Even a business is an art. Even if we don't consider ourselves creative, or creators, we are creating our own days. Choosing what to do and when to do it. Whom to speak to and how to improve ourselves. We choose what music to listen to and what food to eat. All coming back to the fact that we are art too. And our choices add to the creations that we are.

That was my exciting epiphany.

Forever!!!

It's been forever since I've written. For many good reasons.

I'm just going to make a list of what I want to say, which will eventually include why I have not written. Disfruta.

1. it's 2011! The new year. I spent the new year with three friends I studied abroad with (one being my roommate) and it was wonderful. A very low key night full of conversation and some scrabble. I also drove home early and spent the few minutes before the clock struck 12 watching Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. It sounds boring but it really was great.

2. Portland! Me and two of my best friends went to visit our other best friend in Portland. That's four best friends together. I love them and I love getting to spend time with them. I can be myself around them and they can be themselves around me. Hopefully at least. Portland was too much fun for words.

3. Bakery. My sister and I started a bakery for the holidaze. Which is why I have not written. From my last post until right after Christmas, we were so busy with orders. We made a profit, though, which I consider a successful business venture, however short it was. I also learned a lot about baking. It really does matter how and for how long you mix things.

4. Job interviews. I hate them!!!! I don't hate them, I just do not have them mastered whatSOEVER. I cannot talk about myself to save my life. When I do...I end up sounding hesitant. or sometimes I sound too cocky. or sometimes I am just plain awkward. That is most of the time. I think if I went on a job interview every day this year, I might get the hang of it.

5. God. Is my new years resolution. I have many things I would like to do but I decided, to hopefully maintain the attitude of "throwing it all overboard and trusting in Him" is the best way to go. I don't know WHAT direction my life is going in but I know that I am excited for what God has in store. A little nervous, but that is stupid. I learn more about who God is everyday. And then I relearn things because as soon as I have my mind made up about God, I am proven wrong. Mystery. Too big to fit into a box. That's all I know. God is love. And He will love me no matter what I do wrong. That is more than I deserve. I can't say much of anything else with certainty.

6. Sewing. I want to improve! I want to try my hand at more projects. I will I will I will. That is me convincing myself that I will, in hopes that I WILL.

That is all. I am in a good season of life. It feels real. Good, but a little discombobulated. Bad, but I know God is leading me.

Lots of love to you.